Forgiveness is a topic that often makes us collectively sigh. It’s challenging to discuss because people sometimes abuse the concept, there are misunderstandings about what forgiveness truly means, and there’s often a disconnect between our brain and our spirit when we try to practice it.
What Is Forgiveness Really?
Forgiveness is an act of judgment, not condemnation. It requires acknowledging that a wrong has occurred. You can’t forgive someone if no wrong was committed. Forgiveness is not pretending the offense didn’t happen or doesn’t exist – it’s recognizing the reality of the hurt while choosing to move forward.
How Do I Handle Big Offenses?
Not all offenses are created equal. Some are chronic, systematic, major offenses that have shaped who we are as human beings. When dealing with these big hurts, many believe they must “forgive and forget,” but this phrase isn’t actually in the Bible.
God doesn’t forget our sins through amnesia – He chooses not to hold them against us. Similarly, we don’t need to develop amnesia about our hurts. As Tom Sames wisely put it, “I knew I forgave when I wasn’t angry anymore.“
The depth and process of forgiving someone depends on:
- The extent of the injury or offense
- Your own personality and history
- Your own self-wounding
Is Forgiveness the Same as Reconciliation?
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. This is a crucial distinction.
Forgiveness is saying, “I don’t want you to starve.” It’s letting go of wishing harm on someone.
Reconciliation might be saying, “But you’re not allowed at my table anymore.” It’s about how (or if) a relationship can be mended.
Not all relationships can be restored, especially if the other person wants nothing to do with you. Even with family members, sometimes reconciliation looks like being “close from a distance.”
Why Are Small Offenses Sometimes Harder to Forgive?
Ironically, small offenses can be harder to forgive than big ones. The little offenses – what someone said about you, a minor slight, a small rejection – are easy to carry around. We can hold them with one hand, put them in our pocket, and take them everywhere.
We often nurture these small offenses, giving them names and watering them. We identify with them. But 1 Corinthians 13:5 reminds us that love “does not keep a record of wrongs.”
How Should I Handle Rejection?
Rejection is a common small offense we hold onto. But here’s the truth: the more you try in life, the more you will be rejected. If you never want to be rejected, never try anything.
Rejection often provides the pressure needed for growth. Instead of holding onto rejection, use it as jet fuel to propel you forward. Don’t wait for an invitation – if it’s your dream, go do it yourself.
Why Is Forgiving Myself the Hardest?
Self-forgiveness is often the most difficult kind. Two primary reasons make this challenging:
- Hindsight bias: We see past events as more predictable than they actually were. We tell ourselves “I should have known” when in reality, we didn’t. If you would go back in time to stop yourself if you could, then you truly didn’t know better at the time.
- Holding ourselves to standards that didn’t exist: We judge our past selves by our current moral standards. But our past selves didn’t have those standards yet.
Ephesians 4:24 tells us to “put on the new self,” which implies that the old self is something different. We need to let that old person go.
How Does Unforgiveness Affect My Relationship with God?
When we carry around our offenses, we can’t fully enjoy the banquet God has prepared for us. God sets a table before us, but if our hands are full of unforgiveness, how can we partake in what He offers?
The communion elements represent a banquet – the blood of Christ shed for the forgiveness of our sins. To truly receive this gift, we must put down our offenses.
When we pray “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,” we’re acknowledging that we’re all in this together. Just as we’ve messed up, others have messed up too. And just as we want Christ’s blood to cover our sins, we should want it to cover theirs as well.
Life Application
This week, identify what offenses you’re carrying – both big and small. Are you holding onto hurts that are preventing you from enjoying God’s banquet? Consider these questions:
- What offense am I holding that’s taking up space in my life?
- Am I confusing forgiveness with reconciliation? What would true forgiveness look like in this situation?
- How would my relationship with God change if I put down this offense?
- Is there someone I need to forgive? Is there a part of myself I need to forgive?
Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It means acknowledging the reality of the pain while choosing to let go of anger and resentment. It means putting down your offenses so your hands are free to receive what God has for you.
Sometimes all we can say is, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” We may still be hurting, wounded, and bleeding while asking for their forgiveness. But in that act of forgiveness, we find our own freedom.
Freedom in Truth 