Search my heart / clean my room

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24.  

Man what a prayer!  Praying that God would search and test your heart.  You know I honestly don’t think you can pray that unless you trust God.  I don’t see anyway you can pray for God to test you unless you trust Him to be gentle with you.  If you are scared of God you can’t ask Him to search and test you.  Not because of what He might find but how He might react.  If you are scared of God then you are afraid of how He will respond.  However when you love and trust Him, you know even if He finds junk He is going to be gentle with you.  When my daughter asks me if her room is clean she is saying “Daddy I trust you to be honest with me and not freak out because I missed something.”  If (and when) I find something as an earthly father I am more than likely going to pick it up and take care of it for her.  How much more does God help us.

I want that honest prayer of a child “Daddy search my room (heart)”  “Daddy help me clean my room (heart) so we can go out and play (way of everlasting).”

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I just don’t understand

I just don’t understand why everything is so hard.  It seems like for the past 5 years (maybe 6) everything is hard.  Finances, health, life, and everything else just seems like I am fighting and never winning.  If I start to gain victory somewhere then I loose it somewhere else.  I hate my job, I need to file bankruptcy, and deep friendships are a mystery to me.  I am not saying things never go right, but I feel like when they do it is a lie.  The only time things seem to be going well is when we were pretending everything was OK and running up the credit cards.  The problem with that is eventually that catches up to you and now our finances are worse than they have ever been.  It seems like my life is in a perpetual state of waiting.  I cannot try and find a new job that pays better because then I cannot file bankruptcy (which I do not want to do by the way), however I cannot save the money to file without more money so I wait.  I am just rambling at this point.  I am just so tired.  I have no ambition, no motivation, and no dream.  I just want something to give.  

On the note of waiting I no longer even know what I am waiting for.  I just feel like I am waiting….  In case you are wondering that sucks.  I spend each day waiting for it to end so I can wake up and wait for that day to end.

I am working on a project for a business that might be great the problem is I do not want to do it, but it is what I know so I do it, but there is no joy or desire there for me.  

What the heck is going on???  I am just so tired (I am not suicidal).  I should know I have been there before and this does not feel like that.

You know what for years (10 + years) I wanted to be a pastor.  I had such a fire and love for the Word of God, I loved nothing more than sharing God’s love with people, and now I seek and pray for revelation and find none.  I look for hope and find gloom, I search for joy and find pain.  I want that fire and passion back.  I want a deep love back, I want to be back in the place where I felt like I was in Gods arms day and night. 

 

Well I am done rambling……..

Mike