Every once in a while, I like to get a little personal and today is one of those days. Lately, I have realized I struggle with some time anxiety. I hate wasting time. I am not entirely sure why but something about wasting time just feels so wrong to me. I feel like I have so much to do, to learn, to give that wasting time feels wrong. Because of this, I feel overwhelmed by the number of things to do, to learn, and the needs that need to be met. It does not help that I am a doer either. I am able to get things done and usually in a short amount of time. People usually pick up on this (at least at work) and come to me for help and to take things off their plate. This too only exacerbates the problem.
Lately, the problem is only growing because we are getting ready to move to Knoxville. I am going to go to school full time so I can finish up my degree in 2 years. The idea of working at my current job which is very time demanding and going to school full time has sent my time anxiety into overdrive. I have been trying to find a way to not have to work but unless $10-20k shows up in the mailbox I am stuck. So, what do I do? I start spiraling into time issues. I won’t have enough time to study, to fellowship, to learn, to enjoy my wife and daughter, to enjoy the process, and so on. It quickly becomes overwhelming.
It is not that this is a new revelation to me but there is something that is new. Last night I realized this again but also had a thought of “this is not good; God I need you to help me with this.” It was a moment where I realized I had a choice to make. I could again acknowledge my time issues take, God’s grace in the moment, and move on only to face this again next week or I could receive His grace to work through the problem. I want to work through it.
I get two verses of the day. Today they were James 1:5 and Ecclesiastes 7:14.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. – James 1:5
When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future. – Ecclesiastes 7:14
These verses spoke such life into me because I was reminded of three things. First, God listens not looking down on us because we are weak but wants to answer the prayers of His children. Second, I need to seek Him to help me with my problem. Third, time is His to hold and command not mine. I want to enjoy the process, but more than that I want to enjoy God. I want to feel His presence, His nearness and know that even when I don’t feel Him He is near.
So now what? Well, I am a firm believer that God will always continue the good work He starts in someone. So I am going to try and keep coming back to Him every time I start to get overwhelmed. I am also going to try and start coming to God before I get overwhelmed and put my “schedule” in His hands. If I trust Him like I say I do then I need to be willing to give Him everything and that includes my time anxiety.
It does not mean it will all just go away because usually, we find that we are actually working through bigger issues but I am OK with that. I trust that God knows best and that He will lead me through my time anxiety. I trust that He wants to mold me into something better. I trust He is good and that He has a plan. I trust that He is God.
Just a thought,